Evaluating India in Zimbabwe: The Wodehouse Way
Harish Chandramouli
(For maximum effect, BW to be visualized as Hugh Laurie, and Jeeves
as Stephen Fry)
Place: Bertram Wooster's bedroom, Flat 2 A, Loony Bin Street, London.
Time: Nightfall
Scene: Bertram Wooster preparing himself for bed, sifting through the
daily news in the paper, whilst lying under the sheets.
Enter: Jeeves, streaming in silently and effortlessly, like a wisp of
smoke, as always.
BW: Ah! There you are Jeeves...
J: Will that be all, Sir?
BW: Say Jeeves, whaddaya know about this Indian cricket business?
J: Sir ?
BW: You know. Cricket. The stuff one plays with bats, balls and
other assorted objects in a circle sort of place.
J (a tad coldly): I am well versed with the nuances of the
avocation that you allude to, Sir. After all, it was but Henry
the VIII, who in a rare moment of...
BW (interrupting): Jeeves!
J: Sir?
BW: NEVER MIND what Henry the VIII did...
J: Very good, Sir.
BW: There are times when one wants to hear about the Henries of
this world, and times when one just does not.
J: A perfectly understandable sentiment, Sir.
BW: You know, tis really a rummy thing Jeeves.
J: Inescapably so, Sir.
BW: As you well know, sporting blood runs thick in the veins of
us Woosters. And what with actually working for a living being
out of the vogue, and all that, one reasoned to oneself what better
a way to supplement one's inheritance than by betting on cricket
matches and their end results, hoping for a windfall.
J: A most intriguing possibility, Sir. Did you happen to meet
with results that were favourable to your disposition, till now?
BW: Did I ever, Jeeves! I tell you, betting money against those
bally Australians on those even ballier Indians in the recently
concluded test series, was the best thing a man could have ever
done.
J: I am most delighted to hear about your stroke of good fortune,
Sir.
BW: Good "fortune"?! It was shrewd and astute planning, it was
- A1 grade thinking of the Wooster bean, as we call it. As a
result of which, not only am I loaded with extra bucketfuls of
the green stuff now, but am also inching for another bet on
those bally, bally Indians.
Unfortunately, I am now at my wits's end as to how they will
possibly go in Zimbabwe.
J (almost imperceptible cough): If I may say so Sir, I might just
be able to offer you some guidance in this regard.
BW: Jeeves, you are an absolute wonder!
J: Thank you Sir, I do endeavour to give satisfaction.
BW: So how in cotton pickings name do you know anything about
Indian cricket anyway? Do explain.
J: Well Sir, I happen to be on fairly intimate terms both with the
Indian chef as well as the matron at the Tandon residence down in
Shropshire. The former is an avid cricket fan like most species of
the Indian male, and the latter and I could be even said to have an
"understanding".
BW: Good heavens, Jeeves. You mean, as in you might be engaged??
J: She does prepare a scintillating Chicken Tikka Masala, Sir.
BW: Umm, I see your point. So then, what do you say about India in
Zimbabwe? For, or against the tourists??
J: The case, as it is presented, does have its points of real
interest, Sir.
BW: Oh, rather!
J: One does not wish to expatiate at a great length and obfuscate
matters to any degree, but one cannot gainsay that the issue is hardly
as trivial as it might seem to some, either.
BW: Or, in plain English, you mean, India are not the sure thing that
some of us might make the mistake of thinking they are??
J: Precisely, Sir.
BW: As in, a side that has been around for as long as my Aunt
Agatha (the one who devours her young, preferably raw) could lose
to one that has been playing international cricket for not longer
than your average toddler has existed?
J: A most trenchant way of putting it, Sir.
BW: Thank you, Jeeves. So a couple of hundreds on the home side
then, that should fetch me the green stuff once more?
J: Not exactly, Sir.
BW: Eh? Why the dickens not?
J: Well, as I mentioned before Sir, the case does have its points of
interest. Whilst India's touring record is pretty abysmal to say the
least, and whilst they almost managed the rather unenviable distinction
of losing twice in a row to the Zimbabweans back in the 1990s, there do
seem to be subtle and yet not so subtle changes to their side and overall
attitude this time around.
BW: You mean, they actually have some... what's that word... something
to do with cars...
J: Charisma, Sir?
BW: Ah yes, charisma. So you mean they actually have some charisma
now?
J: I suspect it may amount to more than just that, Sir. Beating Australia at
home on wickets sporting to both bat and ball, as well as having a vastly
superior pace attack this time around than to most of their recent tours in
the
past, will give the Indians a much needed spring in their step.
Add to that the exclusion of a Kumble who is only primarily good at
home, the inclusion of a foreign coach who has every player's respect,
and a captain who is as shrewd as they come, and you have a far more
formidable bunch at your finger tips, really.
And what's more, Sir, the Zimbabweans are far weaker this time around
then they were in the years gone by -- the losses of Murray Goodwin
and Neil Johnson have been crippling ones, and the absence of a
genuine firebrand paceman in Henry Olonga will indubitably only be of
advantage to the Indians.
BW: Jeeves, you never cease to amaze me. Is there ANYTHING you
do not know?
J: I really could not say, Sir.
BW: It's all that fish you were fed as a baby, isn't it?
J: I really could not say, Sir.
BW: So in a nutshell then, my man, what's your final call?
J: If I may take the liberty of saying so, Sir, notwithstanding all that
has gone by historically, the safe money would have to be on an Indian
win this time around.
BW: One has to be bold and adventure into hitherto unadvanced areas,
and that sort of thing, eh?
J: Precisely, Sir.
BW: So just because the bally Indians haven't been able to win so much
as a shilling abroad over the last decade and a half, doesn't mean one
should go about putting one's hard earned money into the opposition's
lap automatically, wot?
J: I could not have argued it more cogently, Sir.
BW: Well then, it's settled, Jeeves. 1000 on the Indians to win, then.
J: Very good, Sir.
BW: And oh Jeeves, whilst you're at it...
J: Yes, Sir?
BW: How about placing another thousand on England to beat the
Australians later in the year.
J: Your wish is but my command, Sir.
BW: Thank you, Jeeves.
J: And a very good night to you too, Sir.
Editor's note: Rediff believes that like its own editorial staffers, readers too have points of view on the many issues relating to cricket as it is played.
Therefore, Rediff provides in its editorial section space for readers to write in, with their views. The views expressed by the readers are carried as written, in order to preserve the original voice.
However, it needs mentioning that guest columns are opinion pieces, and reflect only the feelings of the individual concerned -- the fact that they are published on Rediff's cricket site does not amount to an endorsement by the editorial staff of the opinions expressed in these columns.
Mail Editor
