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'We are living in a world where everyone is going fast nowhere'

Anupam Kher

Things are tough for Anupam Kher. The hugely talented actor is going through his mid-career blues with no roles to suit his genius and a floundering television company that has left him with no cash and lots of unpaid bills. What happened to his first directorial effort, his memoirs? What happened to life in the fast lane? How is he coping with the change in his immediate landscape? He answer this and other questions in an interview with Pritish Nandy:

You are no longer a full-time actor. Your company's under bad weather. No one hears any more about the film you were directing or the book you were writing. So what are you doing these days, if anything at all?

The course of work is exactly what it shows. And it has taken this course quite naturally. At the moment I'm doing nothing. You see, when I came to Bombay as a struggler, there was a mirage of my success, my dreams staring at me and all I wanted was to make this mirage a reality, my dreams to come true. Everything was open for me. I could do so many things because I had achieved nothing at all. So I could enjoy everything I was doing, whether it was good work, bad work or indifferent work.

But after a while, the process of discovering that I had achieved all that I wanted to achieve was fascinating and this brought to my notice that my work had exhausted itself. Or you could say I had exhausted myself. I tried to feel excited about the same work but I couldn't because it had because monotonous by then. So I felt like venturing into other fields related to my profession. Like television. I started my own television company for this reason.

Why didn't it take off? What went wrong?

I think my company has seen both good times and bad. Right now, it's cooling off.

To be very honest, I am no businessman. My company paid a very heavy price for that. But thanks to all that I went through, I have learnt a lot and I find myself now better equipped to handle the company. It will take time but I have the patience.

With Rohini Hattangadi in Saaransh. Click for bigger pic!

As far as my directing a film or writing a book is concerned, the projects have not materialised as yet because I spoke of them much ahead of time. You can call it foolishness. Or you could call it naivete. But I speak freely and whenever anyone asks me about my future ambitions, I am ready to share them with others.

What kind of film are you about to direct?

A positive film. A film based on my beliefs, my convictions.

Like?

I have an idea but it is still in the formative stage. I have discussed it with a writer and hopefully we will have something on paper soon.

Theatre? Do you still find it appealing?

Theatre is a class apart. It is a test for an actor. I would love to do theatre but, again, something that I want. I have done enough plays, enough adaptations. Now I want to do something unique. Like, say, a one-man show. But, as I said before, everything takes its own time...

Your craving for doing so many things in life could make you out to be frivolous. Like you describe yourself, going fast nowhere.

Nowadays it's more like going nowhere fast! What more can I say? Some of us believe in living life to the full, making all their dreams come true. I have no sense of failure that way. I am more delighted by my successes naturally. But I am not oppressed by my failures. They have urged me on to try even harder. Gandhi kept saying it again and again. About the means being more important than the goal, the effort being more exciting than the achievement.

With Pooja Bhatt and Shah Rukh Khan in Chaahat. Click for bigger pic!

We are living in a world, Pritish, where everyone is going fast nowhere. Life is so unpredictable, so full of surprises. One cannot plan it with precision; one can only live it completely.

But why cut down on acting? Your films are now so few and far between? Aren't you feeling insecure?

Four years back I thought I had stopped growing as a person because I had stopped growing as an actor. I had done so much work and played so many roles that I had become mechanical. So I decided to cut down my work. But since I have done it volitionally, by my own free well, I don't feel insecure. The day I do, I will take on more work. It's not that difficult.

In fact, I relate my entire personal growth to acting. There was a time when I needed to work more. But when work became monotonous, there came a time to work less. This realisation also got me involved with social causes. It also brought me great peace.

Is it because you are now rich?

First of all, let's put that in the past tense. Frankly speaking, I have never given much importance to money. It comes. It goes. Today I'm facing a bad patch but I am the kind who can easily start life from scratch again. I have seen worse times. I've been cheated by people. I have taken careless business decisions. In the process, I have lost a lot of money. In fact, today I owe money to people! But I have never measured my life by the amount of money I am making.

Does that make you indifferent to success and failure?

Not at all. What success means to anyone depends on his or her definition of it. It actually boils down to what attitude one has towards life. To me, success is knowing myself as a person. Knowing how to handle my failures and being a good human being. Work is only a part of my life. Not my entire life.

In Hum Aapke Hain Koun! Click for bigger pic!

There is excitement in anything if you are growing as a person. I don't measure my success by ambitions alone. I'm very happy as a person and that to me is real success. I can't afford to make public expectations my deadline. Nobody can. I respect people, not worship them and I know if my work is good it will be appreciated at any point of time.

Then why are you chasing public acclaim? Why are you getting involved in all these social causes all of a sudden?

Society is what you make of it. I may think society is a place of grabbers, of pretentious people, of merciless cheats. I may think of society as bad because things are going wrong today. Even I pay the price of success. I am pursued by obscene mail, accusations, threats and this can be very disturbing. But if society is going wrong, I must also be responsible for setting things right in my own small way.

No man is an island. We are all part of this huge continent and it is no use asking for whom the bells toll. It tolls for all of us. It is a question of feeling responsible.

How do you feel about the current state of your acting career which appears to be in the dumps?

On my work front, I feel like a struggler and that is not entirely a bad feeling. In fact I enjoy it. I feel that the second phase of my life has begun where the excitement of becoming a famous movie star is over and the excitement to do other meaningful things has set in.

I'm also not in so much of a hurry as I was before. And, as an individual, yes I am happy. I feel like Roberto Beningni, that life is beautiful whatever may be the odds. I believe in goodness and in not being artificial or too careful. I know I have suffered a lot for it but that's the only way I know how to live life. So, frankly, I have no choice in the matter.